Ebjournal Revisited.

Blah part II

So, when we left off, I was about to start spewing complaints about my teaching and learning environment, particularly in the area of my co-workers and fellow grad students. (See this post to catch up.)

Off we go… presented to you in pseudo-outline form…

1) Being a Male Teacher in a Female Teacher School.
a) This is a challenge on so, so, so, so, SO many levels. As you may or may not know, I am the only male classroom teacher in my school, with the other XY representative in the school being our brand-new, baby-faced PE teacher. (A quick note about our PE teacher– he’s awesome at what he does, and the staff and students love him, myself included. Sadly, this reduces me to #2 male. I don’t know how I feel about this.) This means that most of the chatter revolves around complaining about their husbands, ex-husbands, or hottie, but lazy, (and) uncommitted boyfriends. Even if I ever had a complaint about TLEMK (Love you, baby!) I would not be able to voice it for fear of all womanhood turning their Fury-like rage upon me as a single voice.
b) Things run so hot and cold around here. From my liason to the other side (TLEMK), I’ve learned that apparently there’s a pecking order that exists with large groups of women. Zigzag, if you’re getting bored, think Aes Sedai. Cliques exist, from intermediate teachers, to specialist teachers, to young, unmarried teachers, to first grade teachers, and they ALL have an opinion about everyone else. They may not let you know it at first, but body language, and snide asides (which I’m finally, after what, a year and a half? picking up on.) exist after almost every meeting or interaction. According to my principal, staff climate is much better now than it was when she got here, but I secretly suspect that it’s just better hidden, or that she’s ignorning the powerful snide grenades that are launched behind closed doors. I realize that I have been guilty of it too, but I’m working on changing it. It’s so easy to get sucked into the negativity that you may not even realize it’s happening. And then, we when do “holiday” plays (Christmas, through and through) everyone is one big, fake-happy family. One day everyone is friendly, the next I could actually be a part of the wall. Truthfully, I’m sick of it. Or maybe it reminds me of other parts of my life too much.

2) On Being the Only Male in our Graduate School Cohort:
a) This is tricky. I’m the only guy there, and there’s only seven of us total, plus the professor. I feel like I bring a lot of it on myself because I rarely shut up. So I like to discuss things that we’re being lectured on. I like to share my knowledge. I SWEAR I AM NOT TRYING TO SHOW OFF. (I’m Fat Hermione, remember?) But. I’m sure it comes off like that. Rowdy R (fellow cohort member) and I have discussed this; we really are interested in what we’re doing, so we want to talk about it. And since it’s rare that all seven of us do our assigned reading, and I do it 90% of the time, I get to talk more than some other people in our group. Especially in our tech classes, because I love discussing technology and it’s applications into the classroom, and how it affects us in the real world. You know, what I do with my friends. It doesn’t fly well all the time in class. (So maybe this means that I need to develop some code switching in my head– school and friends are separate personalities…)

But then there are things that are out of my control, and even though they shouldn’t, really piss me off. To wit:

Last week in our group, we were finishing up an in-class assignment, and I was still working. My newest professor was talking about sharing a room (she’s a high school reading specialist) and how high school teachers never have things on their walls. And she found out she had to share the room with a *gasp* male social studies teacher. (because they would never have anything good on their walls!) She made it sound like a bad thing, and when she caught me looking at her after that comment, she quickly backtracked and said something like “I didn’t mean sharing it with a male teacher would be bad, they just tend to (stereotyical male stuff here) …” To which I responded, “Did he have any posters on his walls?” She then of course, said, “Well, yeah a few…”

Uh-huh. What makes me mad about that exchange is that if I hadn’t been sitting right there, and made a point to look over at the conversation, she would not have backtracked and tried to CYA.

b) The professor learns my name first. It can’t be helped. One of these things is not like the other, and it’s ME. And it’s noticeable when in week 7 of your 9-week course the professor calls a person’s name out to hand back an essay, and gives it to the WRONG WOMAN. Really? Seven people, can’t learn their names? Criminy. This also means that I get called on, and sniped on. Do I defend myself? Do I learn how to take a joke? (I promise I’m trying!) Or do I just rant about it into the blogonethersphere?

3) My defense mechanisms.
I make jokes. A lot. People usually laugh (seven out of ten of my jokes are funny. Eat that, Albert Pujols.) and so I feel like I’m bonding. It’s my attempt to establish myself as part of the collective. However, when combined with passionate discussions on education, it means you hear my voice a lot. Unfortunately, the more I talk, the more isolated I feel because there are teachers out there that are comfortable with what they’re doing, and don’t want to learn anything new. So, quit stirring the pot, Mr. Man.

4) I like teaching. I chose it as a profession, and there are some days when I feel as if I was called to it. There are plenty of other things I could be doing, but this one feels right. So when I speak glowingly of my students, why do I have to get looks of disdain from teachers who would rather be somewhere else? It’s not my fault that I actually see these students as a treasure, and want to talk about them, and not just a way to get another paycheck and have summers off. I’ve become better at being a professional, and not taking the students’ quirks so personally, but when I say that I want to wait to open their Christmas presents until Christmas morning, because I actually want to think about my students, I shouldn’t have to get looks of incredulity from my fellow coworkers. I love teaching. Get used to it. I’ll complain sometimes, but I’ll give out the joy of it too. If that’s not cool, fine.

*****
TLEMK tells me that I need to decide: do I want to be popular, or be interested in what I’m doing, to the degree which I need to engage and try to convince others that a shifting paradigm in educdation is NOT A BAD thing. At this point, one cannot co-exist with another. Either I keep my mouth shut, and people probably like me more for not being so freakin’ involved all the time, or I choose to voice my opinions, and feel better for trying to make people in my school/cohort be more flexible to learning. I am by NO MEANS saying that my thoughts are the right ones, or that I know the best way to educate children, but I don’t think I should be socially penalized for having a voice, (and hearing dead silence after I speak.)

I know I’m not alone in this, because I have a few teacher friends that are like me, and have had to sacrifice camaraderie for being professionals. (Rowdy? Mrs. Frank the Tank? Are you listening?) And I do have a couple people that I’ll hang out with for a happy hour, and feel like I might belong with at school. But what does it say when there is not ONE person I completely trust at my school, after a year and a half of working with them everyday during the school year? It’s not a good thing. At all.

So WTF am I supposed to do? Change who I am? Decide to grin and bear it, even though my sensitive metro-sexual inside feels slighted? Or should I just keep ranting here, and turn off my readership? I hate having to censor myself, and I don’t think I should have to, especially when it means I focusing on improving myself as a teacher. Or maybe I should just shut up and enjoy working with children… who are the Hallmark reason why I’m doing all of this. Especially when they give me hugs and tell me that they will miss me over Winter Break…

It’s not easy being green; new teacher, male, professional jealousy. (Whichever metaphor you want to use color symbolism for today.)

It’s not easy being green.

RSS Trackback URL 19. December 2005 (11:00)
Filed under: General, School Daze, Unfortunately Serious